Here is a sample of the opening lines I get from people in excruciating pain, people who have ignored the warning signs of a marriage in trouble.
“My husband left six weeks ago and just sent me an email saying he wants to file for divorce,” a woman said to me recently.
“My wife says she doesn’t love me anymore. I can’t live without her. Please, please help me save my marriage,” a middle-aged executive said to me tearfully.
“I’m still with my husband, but I don’t love him anymore,” a bitter, hardened 40-year old woman told me. “Too many years of pain and anger. I just feel resentful now when I look at him.”
“I’ll do anything to save my marriage,” a 30-year old blue collar worker told me. “I thought it was all about me, but when she left I knew I had lost something incredible. Can you help me?”
Regrets! We all have them. We look back and wonder what could have been. We see the missed opportunities. We feel the remorse of treating our mate badly, of taking him/her for granted. And sometimes we recognize our mistakes too late. Some of you reading this still have time. You still have the opportunity to save their marriage. Couples in crisis have a number of issues in common. Here are some warning signs you must watch out for.
1. THEY EXPERIENCE ONGOING CONFLICT WITHOUT RESOLUTION. No relationship can bear the weight of unresolved conflict. This “baggage” wears you down, even if you’re able to ignore it on a day-to-day basis. Couples need the skills to talk about tough issues and to resolve them.
2. THEY BECOME INSENSITIVE AND DEMANDING OF EACH OTHER. With respect dissolved, couples in crisis begin to treat each other badly. Sarcastic and biting, their language is far short of edifying and encouraging, further eroding marital integrity.
3. THE RELATIONSHIP IS FILLED WITH CRITICISM AND DEROGATORY COMMENTS. They begin to feel contempt for their mate, which erodes the love they once felt. The criticism becomes pervasive as the couple “forgets” the positives that attracted them to their mate.
4. THEY FIND MORE EXCUSES TO SPEND TIME AWAY FROM EACH OTHER. Feeling anger and resentment, couples find reasons to spend time apart. They get involved in other friendships or activities, instead of spending time together.
5. THEY FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE SHARING INTIMATE FEELINGS WITH EACH OTHER. Finding their mate critical and insensitive, they begin withholding intimate feelings and details of their daily life. They fail to provide a “safe place for feelings to land.” This creates further distance.
6. THEY EXPERIENCE LESS AND LESS PHYSICAL INTIMACY. Since intimacy is “into me see”, and this is seen as dangerous, the gulf widens. Couples move apart physically, even to the point of sleeping in separate bedrooms.
7. THEY COMPARE THEIR MATE UNFAVORABLY TO OTHERS. The grass begins to look greener on the other side of the street. Tragically, some begin flirtatious relationships and even affairs as a way to cope with their pain. Others begin to look better than what they have at home.
8. THEY MAKE THREATS ABOUT SEPARATION AND DIVORCE. As the pain increases, many begin to make plans, if only in their minds, to leave their mate. They fantasize what it would be like to live alone.
9. YOU NO LONGER HAVE ANY COMMON INTERESTS: Remember the early days of marriage, when you tried out so many pursuits together? If you find that you no longer do anything fun or interesting together, consider it as a warning sign on the health of your marriage.
10. YOU NO LONGER SEEM TO HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY TO YOUR SPOUSE: You may be living under the same roof with your spouse and performing routine errands, but still have nothing to say to each other. Living in silence is often the first warning sign that all is not right in the relationship.
11. A LACK OF TRUST: You no longer trust each other. Mutual faith is the cornerstone of any meaningful relationship, including marriage. If you find yourself constantly doubting your partner’s whereabouts, or if your spouse suspects you of infidelity, clearly something is deeply wrong in your marriage.
12. YOU ARE THE LAST PERSON TO KNOW: A disintegrating marriage is strongly characterized by an increasingly widening communication gap between partners. In such a situation, your partner will stop sharing information about his or her social and professional lives with you. You will find out about your spouse’s achievements at work, or problems with family members, from second or third-hand sources, like your partner’s co-worker or neighbors of your partner’s parental home.
NOTE: If you find yourself with any of these warning signs, take action. Things will never get better on their own. Time alone will not heal your marriage. Stop telling yourself you should be able to fix things; you can’t. Denial (Don’t Even Notice I Am Lying!) won’t help you. You must be honest about the condition of your marriage and take appropriate measures to heal your relationship. You can save your marriage, but not on your own. You need God’s wisdom. You need counselling. Lets talk. Call me now or ping. Lets chat.
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